Surfing for Mr. Goodbar

by Budly

Life rarely goes exactly as planned. Start a day with the intention of finally finishing that overdue project . . . FINALLY, and then, ba-da-bing, the computer starts to hemorrhage and melt down.

This is followed by, “But I didn’t do anything except log on to the internet!”, which is followed by a lost day . . . or two . . . or five.

More than 218 million Americans go on the internet now, and who knows how many of them are tech-savvy. In fact, some probably consider themselves lucky to be able to type and chew gum at the same time. So for those who know little more than logging on and hoping for the best, here is an internet safety primer. . .

. . . because getting on the internet without safeguards is like picking up a stranger at a bar without protection. . . Could be fun, but you really don't know what you could catch.

You need three major items for internet security:

• Firewalls

• Anti-virus software

• Spyware protection

Each serves a specific purpose, and combined, provide defense against all kinds of mean, nasty, rotten, ugly, horrible things that could result in heads banging on desks, floors or walls, as well as identity theft, data vaporization and having to junk your old PC and buy a new machine.

FIREWALLS

Firewalls are like the Klingon cloaking device, or to be more up-to-date, Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. You can see the world, but the world can't see you.

There are two types of firewalls: hardware and software. The hardware firewall keeps the Lord of the Rings Orcs on the far side of a moat. The software firewall is like having the Orcs on the other side of a door. In other words, if you use a software firewall, the problem is already inside the computer.

Given a choice – and knowing how big and mean and ornery and ugly those Orcs are – they are much better kept on the far side of a really big moat. So splurge and get a hardware firewall. Linksys makes both wired and wireless boxes that are easy to set-up, work well and are available from online retailers like TigerDirect.com, or brick and mortar shops like Best Buy – neither of whom paid for these endorsements.

For the firewall, it is important to change the factory-set (a/k/a default) password. If you don’t, it is like having your front door lock using the same key as your neighbor's front door lock – free eats, help yourself.

Remember:

Default of de computer is not always with de computer. Sometimes default of de computer lies with de user. In short, change the firewall's password.

ANTI-VIRUS

The next essential component for safe internetting is virus protection software. This is the program that keeps the cooties out of your operating system and prevents hours and hours of resurrection, restoration, retrieval, reconstruction, rehabilitation and revival of your computer and your sanity. In short, getting a virus is no fun for you or your computer.

There are many choices for anti-virus software. Some arrive on your new PC and run for free for a short period of time. Then they prey on the unknowing computer user's fears:

YOUR VIRUS PROTECTION SOFTWARE IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

IF YOU DO NOT RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION WITHIN 24 HOURS, TERRIBLE THINGS SUCH AS DYSENTARY, LEPROSY AND BROMADROSIS WILL BEFALL YOUR COMPUTER.

AND WE WILL ALSO SEND A VERY LARGE, SINGLE-EYEBROWED NEANDERTHAL TO YOUR HOME TO BEAT YOU UP.

Yes, the software business can get pretty nasty.

My choice for anti-virus protection is AVG. Grisoft (www.grisoft.com) – now AVG Technologies – offers both pay and free versions of its product; which is now up to Version 8. Unfortunately, with the upgrade came a new and unimproved look, also known to computer geeks as the Graphical User Interface, or GUI (pronounced gooey).

The GUI is what the computer user sees on screen. If it is designed with cleanliness and elegance, it is a joy to use. If the screen is illogical and confusing, it compels the savvy user to call the company, ask for the software development team leader and say, "What in tarnation were you thinking? The previous version looked and worked just fine. So why'd you go and muck it up?"

Changing the GUI on familiar, popular, award-winning software is as dumb as a company that changes the packaging of its well-branded product on the supermarket shelf. Some silly "suit" snookered a stoopid amount of money for both graphic re-design and focus groups to change an old, venerable, and familiar blue box into an unfamiliar green can which nobody can find.

With software, familiarity breeds productivity. Finesse is “updating the look” while retaining familiarity. Otherwise countless hours are spent muttering, “I used to do my data export by going to this menu . . . now where’d they put it?”

Unfortunately, Grisoft – now AVG Technologies – does not post a contact phone number for the general public. Only resellers – those middlemen between the manufacturers and buyers – are provided this deep, dark secret. Great software . . . wacky communications . . . but it’s free and still worth using.

SPYWARE

Spyware protection is another essential tool for the internetter's kit bag, and in some respects is even more important than anti-virus software. While a virus can ruin your computer, spyware can ruin your life.

When you go to a web site like Amazon and log on, your screen may show something like:

"Welcome back Persephone. The last time you were here,
you bought a book on sock puppets. Surprisingly, other
people actually bought books about sock puppets, too.
In fact, those who bought sock puppet books also bought
books on mud wrestling – although we have absolutely no
clue as to why. Would you like to see our vast selection of
books on mud wrestling?"

That "recognition" is called a cookie. It's a file that sits on your computer keeping track, and interacting with, web sites you visit.

If Persephone eventually clicks,

"Oh yes, this is the mud wrestling book for me!"

to make the purchase and starts to type her charge card number into the computer, while some degenerate youth in front of a black screen somewhere in Asia is writing that number down on a slip of paper and planning a shopping spree, that's spyware! It "spies" on what you type and where you visit.

Spyware allows buff_bodies.com to know that you arrived at their web site from tea_and_crumpets.org. This information is the basis for click-through payments (how web sites make money via “referrals”) and for demographics which decide future advertising buys, or worse -- someone accumulating more shoes than Imelda Marcos with your credit card information.

To avoid this nasty, Spybot Search & Destroy 1.6 performs three tasks. First, it finds spyware on your computer and removes it. Second, it can "immunize" your computer from downloading spyware from a long list of potentially "bad" web sites. And third, it can install a second program called "Teatimer" (Who comes up with these names!) to prevent spyware from ever getting to your registry.

What’s the registry, you ask? Well . . .

The registry is THE database on your computer. It keeps track of EVERYTHING in a "secret code" style that is understood exclusively by people with really, really large propellers on their beanies, mandatory plastic pocket protectors, obligatory tape on their spectacles and loud snorts in their laughter.

For the rest of us, the registry is a place spoken of only in the most hushed of tones and is tinkered with using only the GREATEST of care because one false move in that house of cards and your computer can turn into a really, really large paperweight.

Spybot's Teatimer program works via a pop-up window:

If you are on the internet and a web site tries to put something into your registry, the Teatimer window pops up with two buttons:

Allow – if you want whatever is happening to continue.

Deny – if you're totally clueless as to what's going on.

How do you know if you should allow or deny? Here are two examples:

If you're installing an update to Adobe's Acrobat Reader and the Teatimer window pops up and you want to continue using the Acrobat Reader, press Allow.

If you're taking a break at work with a "diversionary" visit to www.well_filled_bikinis.com or hunks_in_swimtrunks.com and the Teatimer window pops up, there is an especially high probability that you should consider pressing the Deny button.

Pretty logical. Pretty simple. . .

. . . but only if you use the spyware and anti-virus programs regularly and check for updates. Neither one is "set and forget.” Hey, what do you want for free?

AVG, the anti-virus program, has several settings you'll need to tinker with. They are all in the Tools >> Advanced Settings menu. The settings are for what and when you download your updates to the virus definitions (the software “good guys” that look for the software “bad guys”) and when you run scans on your computer’s hard drive to actually look for and remove the “bad guys”.

Now think this one out . . . download your virus definition updates BEFORE you schedule your virus scan. AND run your virus scan while you're asleep. That way, you won't be sitting in front of your computer trying to get work done and saying, "Why is this stoopid thing running soooo sloooow?" By the way, this means your computer needs to be on while you are sleeping.

The same advice holds true for the spyware – get the updates first (duuhhh!!!!), then run the program. Spybot can run nicely in the background while you work, and at the end, it's rewarding to see how many cooties have been caught, or how clean your computer use has been.

With regular use, each of these components provides an important piece in keeping your computer healthy.

The other way to avoid problems is to stay off the internet – but hey, what fun would that be?