Miscommunication

Some of the finest emails I get are from my cousin, The Judge.

I would give eye teeth to watch him work for a day:

_______________________________________________

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer.

He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.

So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it.

I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Attached is what he found.

Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to...

You just can't make this stuff up.

Disk storage, circa 2006

http://gprime.net/video.php/ipodflea

512k storage, circa 1956

So is that a hard drive in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?

Relieving Computer Frustration

Version Aversion

by Budly

You can always spot the pioneers, because they're the people with the arrows in their back.

When it comes to computers, few things can get a seasoned computer user crazier than a new version of an old, familiar software package that doesn't look like what you knew, and doesn't work the way it used to.

Kinda like Office 07 or (the disappearing) Vista - but those are stories for a different day.

Letters and spreadsheets get built at about the speed at which you can type. Image and video files can be of substantial size and require "rendering" - the churning a computer does in order to build the video or image file.

Since I started using Photoshop in version 2, there have been some changes - both in the software and hardware.

With v2, a command would be started and you could go clean the dishes. When you got back to your computer, the timer bar would still be running so you could vacuum the living room. When that job was done, there would still be time to scrub the bathroom.

The two major outcomes from the exercise were:

1. Your house was really clean.
2. You learned to carefully pre-plan what you wanted Photoshop to do and worked with a very high degree of precision because "Undo" was equally as painful.

Part of the reason for so much time, is that in the "heat of battle", when PhotoShop is actually working on your image, it is keeping track of 3 versions of your file. In simple terms:

1. Your original
2. The changes you did - also known as "history"
3. The change you are currently doing

This allows PhotoShop to go back in time and give the user a new lease on life. (If Adobe could figure out how to do that concerning last night's drinking and car accident, they would have a VERY highly marketable product on their hands.)

However, to keep track of three files, means that your computer needs to store the three files. This requires a large hard drive and plenty of RAM. Remember: you can never be too thin or have too much RAM. Also: the more you can store, the more you can lose; so backup.

With most imaging / rendering software, a second hard drive - called a scratch disk - allows the program to run faster. It does this by having one hard drive run the computer and software (operating system and application) and the other hard drive work on the image - rather than having one drive do double duty.

A magazine cover could be a 40 or 50 megabyte file. PhotoShop tracks three versions. That's 150 megabytes to read / write while simultaneously keeping the computer awake and the software running - kinda like a one armed paper hanger.

Today, there is sooo much creative power packed into the software - and the hardware runs big files sooo quick it can practically make your picture before you think of what you want to do.

Software allows you to do great stuff. Write stories, make pictures, create videos - lots of creative pursuits. But, to make a program do what you'd like it to do requires a substantial investment of time and a learning curve. Nobody double-clicks Adobe PhotoShop and creates a Mona Lisa in an hour. It takes time to pre-visualize what you want to make. Then it takes time to learn how to tell the software to do what you want it to do. PhotoShop can put layers, text and countless effects into an image - to name just a few of the things the program is capable of doing.

Now, imagine having spent the time learning how to do be a PhotoShop Fighter Jock only to discover that in the newer version of your favorite software, the developer has moved or hidden all of the things you knew how to do really quickly!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Moral of the story:

Let other people get the latest and greatest versions of software. Then you can watch them get all bent out of shape and demented while climbing the learning curve. Meanwhile, read reviews, look at the new version online, bring a six pack over to your friend's house and mooch theirs. And best of all, save your money and your sanity.

bEYoNd sTOoPiD

By Budly

Aside from Melamine's front desk responsibilities at FlemCo, the ear, nose and throat specialists, she was assigned the job of purchasing office supplies.

One day I got a phone call from Melamine's office manager.

"Did you ask Melamine to purchase Norton Utilities for you?"

"No. In fact, that's the first piece of software I uninstall on any computer that I maintain. It's a memory pig. It makes your computer run ssssslow. There are free alternatives like AVG that work just as well, if not better. It misses viruses. It's a pain in the butt to uninstall, and because it arrives on your new computer as part of a marketing deal, it preys on the unknowing masses."

"You sound rather opinionated on the matter."

"That's nothing. You should hear what I've got to say about acorn squash."

"Another time maybe. So just to be sure, you didn't ask Melamine to buy Norton Utilities?"

"Nope. And if she had, you would have seen written documentation, per The Doc's request."

"That's what The Doc told me you'd say."

"Great minds think alike."

A few days later, I was asked to stop by the office to get a new key (maintenance and upgrade tech work tries to get done during office down time) and lock out the Melamine "user" on the computer network - which can be done in less than 5 minutes on a well built Windows network by changing the user's password in Active Directory on the domain server.

Now comes the point at which you cannot make this stuff up:

Apparently Melamine's marriage was failing. So to try and keep her husband - the charming and socially graceful Slick - Melamine had bought him some "presents" courtesy of the company's Staples charge account - $1700.00 worth of "presents" to be exact. Then as part of her regular job responsibilities, Melamine would open the mail and stash the Staples statement until the bookkeeper visited. Then she'd stuff the statement into the middle of the "to be paid" pile.

That was easy.

However in any well run business with delegated tasks, there are always checks and balances. In Melamine's office, there was the bookkeeper's list of who got paid compared to the office manager's empty supply closet. In other words, how do we spend $1700.00 on office supplies and not have any replacement ink cartridges?

This question resulted in the office manager getting copies of the Staples invoices - which are online - and doing some "homework".

That was easy.

So talk about having the penultimate bad day. . .

. . . starting with a phone call from the landlord asking Melamine when she was moving out.

"Huh?"

"Slick said he was moving out at the end of the month. Your security deposit was used up for the last two months rent. So what day are you going? Tough market. I gotta clean up and put a fresh coat of paint on the walls."

"Uh. . ."

Click.

Speed dial.

"Slick, honey, what's this about moving out?"

"Oh yeah baby. Ah wuz gonna tell ya 'bout dat tanight. Ya see me an' Carnuba are gonna try to make a go of it. . ."

"And the money you told me you took out of my bank account to pay the rent?"

"Uh. . . muscatel and Foxwoods, baby."

Click.

Head's exploding. . .

. . . just as the office manager rounds the corner and says, "Why is the Staples bill so heavy and the supply closet so light?"

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

So $1700.00 of theft yielded:

No husband.

No home.

No savings.

No job.

One can only pray that some good Samaritan / friend would take the time to attentively sit and listen to Melamine's tale of woe and then solidly smack her up side the head and say, "Girl, what wuz you thinking?", in hopes of avoiding a repeat performance.

Bat Mitzvah Agonistes

by Budly

It's about a year away, and kinda like a birthing process.

So here goes:

Last night we went to a showcase for the entertainment company.

It was in the banquet hall, yes banquet hall of Temple Agada Da Mon Ey.

Wow!

Big place, small parking lot - and filled with the cars of the entertainment company's staff, so patrons and potentials needed to park far away and walk in the rain.

(??) Makes sense to me. . . but what do I know?

Upon entering the room, the first thought that came to mind was the description of Circus Circus by Dr. Hunter Thompson from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas. . . so I immediately looked up to see if there was a gorilla swinging from a trapeze - but no such luck.

Otherwise it was an impressive showcase that clearly left a comfort level that your event would not be screwed up unless there was a widespread (read national) blackout or thermo-nuke-ya-ler holocaust - which, by the way (according to contract) would not relieve you of your responsibility to pay for the event.

Also, of critical significance - in front of a witness - my daughter stated ("Repeat after me or you're walking home in the rain."), "My Bat Mitzvah will not look like this."

. . . and it was a relief to hear those words.

The Ugly Fork

by Budly

So you've owned your computer just shy of a bazillion years. It has all your music and photos and email and the stuff that the kids should not see.

... and the old box is starting to run really, really, really, really ssssslow...

... or it got a virus from one of THOSE web sites. . .

... or you got a BSOD (blue screen of death) system error...

... and so you have hit that ugly fork in the road.

Do you invest time and money in resurrecting the old machine? Or do you invest time and money in setting up a new one?

The unfortunate answer that everyone dreads from their computer technician is, "Well, it’s difficult to say."

Here are a few guidelines:

Ssslllooowww

Just like with a car, people who spend time on their computer can get a feeling that something is not running right. With a car, it is usually a clanking noise or seeing smoke. With a computer it is usually how far the sweep second hand of your watch has traveled before something happens. If you see smoke come out of your computer, pull the electrical plug out of the wall and run away.

There are several ways to fix a slow computer.

Add RAM - Random Access Memory (RAM) is like the countertop in your kitchen. The more you have, the easier it is to work. The less you have, the longer it takes to get work done. At the website memoryx.com, there is a free download that will tell you all about your computer's RAM - how much you have, if there is room to add or options for replacing what you've got.

Adding RAM to you computer isn't much harder than adding windshield washer fluid to your car. You don't want to break the cap that covers the tank or pour the liquid all over the engine.

With RAM, watch for the locks that hold the bars in place and the pins the RAM bars seat into. Most importantly, since there are many types of RAM, if the square peg does not fit in the round hole - and your bar of RAM does not align correctly, DO NOT bang harder.

Scanning - This is an overnight activity. Otherwise you will spend a lot of time watching a slider bar. Scanning is the result of a software problem - a downloaded virus or spyware. Programs like AVG, Symantec or McAfee address potential virus problems. Spybot and Ad-Aware find and remove spyware.

Scanning is the largest time investment you can put into your old computer. . . and depending on the age of the machine, the results may not be worth the investment. Sometimes scanning finds and fixes your computer's problem. Other times, finding the problem then requires finding a specific software "tool" to remove the problem - more time invested - and then no guaranty of a positive (repaired computer) outcome.

Defragmenting - If you kept your kitchen cutlery in your attic, and your pots and pans in your living room and your spatulas in your basement, it would be very inconvenient and take a very long time to make dinner in your kitchen. In the same vein, defragmenting your computer's
hard drive gathers all of your programs and data into contiguous order making the "seek" time shorter and your PC run faster. You can find the "official" Windows XP defragmenter at:

Start » Programs » Accessories » System Tools

Or you can try Smart Defrag at www.iobit.com/iobitsmartdefrag.html

Registry cleaning - The registry is the database of everything on your computer, and therefore an accumulator of lots of software "junk" - old entries, updated entries, corrupt entries, you name it. If it has been on your computer, it's been in your registry. So just like you need to vacuum your house and take out the garbage or it gets to be a pretty smegly place to live, you computer's registry should be cleaned. This work is not for the faint of heart because if something goes awry, your could be looking at your new door stop. For the adventurous, Glary Utilities - a free download from glarysoft.com - works well. Another winner from iobit - and also free - is Advanced WindowsCare Personal. However, also be familiar with Start » All
Programs » Accessories » System Restore. Tinkering with the registry is strong juju, so be brave, but be careful.

Deleting programs - If you have owned your sick computer for a long time, you've probably installed many programs. . . and then forgotten about using them. This bloats your operating system - the software that wakes up and "runs" the computer. Just like taking a few pounds
off your waist makes you feel spryer, removing unused software applications from your computer makes it work better.

Replacing - Although this may be the most tedious and (possibly) costly solution, replacing the old war horse with a new machine is also the most rewarding and long-term way to resolve the finicky computer issue. Naturally there is work to installing all of the programs - like Microsoft
Office, Firefox and Adobe Acrobat - you were using, however the nail-biting revolves around all the letters, emails, pictures and STUFF you accumulated. Moving (finding) all of that and getting it to the new machine can be challenging.

And taking a detour on new machines, Tigerdirect.com sells refurbished PC's with a 1 year warranty with Windows XP Pro already installed for around $250.00. plus shipping.

Fortunately, Windows has a neat feature built into it called the Files and Settings Transfer Wizard, and believe it or not, if you put your STUFF where Microsoft recommended, the Files and Settings Transfer Wizard really does work.

Undoubtedly there is someone out there in reader-land indignantly saying, "And just where does Microsoft recommend I put my STUFF?

Well. . .

The My Documents folder is there for a reason - YOUR (My) Documents (duh!). Use it!

That is unless, of course, you thought you were going to be smarter than all of Microsoft and Bill Gates, and put it elsewhere.

In which case, good luck, and you're on your own.

Lotsa Dots

by Budly

Nowadays, there are only two accessories missing from the new-fangled, pocket-sized digital cameras:

• A combination stylus and tweezers to hold the little suckers and press the really, really tiny controls


• A magnifying glass to see all the information on the screen

Otherwise, the amount of power packed into your pocket is just amazing - variable focal length lens, variable exposure capabilities, video, slide show and more.

In the old daze, when men were men and photographers like David Hume Kennerly and Ron Galella wore helmets and used film, Kodak was king. Then the company decided to not pay the exorbitant fee to be the Official Film of the 1982 Los Angeles Olympics, and Fuji came along with their products and the king was systematically dethroned.

But don't feel bad for Kodak. Many of the imaging chip patents in use today were developed during that same time period. Kodak was hired by the federal government - using our tax dollars - to develop the original digital imaging chips that were in our spy satellites monitoring The Evil Empire (a/k/a Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, a/k/a U.S.S.R. a/k/a Russia). At the time, the chips were created because it was kinda hard to get a roll of film out of an orbiting satellite and into a one hour photo joint.

Today, you can have photo lab capability in your house, and never get your fingers wet or smell a putrid chemical - it's all computer hardware and software.

However, whether film or computer file, the age-old adage still holds true:

A camera is only as good as the person who uses it.

Granted, a great photographer with a great camera is a great combination. But a great photographer with a disposable camera can still make a great image.

To make your pocket camera a powerful creative tool, there are several considerations to keep in mind before purchasing:

Flash

Having a camera with built-in flash is like carrying day light in your pocket. For film or the image chip - known as a CCD, or Charge Coupled Device - in a camera to work, it needs light. Without it, all of your photos will look like a black bear at night eating a chocolate bar. So a flash can provide illumination in dark places or make faces visible when backlit by the sun (silhouetted).

However, it is important to understand that if you are in the nose-bleed seats of Madison Square Garden watching The Rolling Stones, the flash in your pocket camera is not going to illuminate Mick Jagger's face. In short, you ain't gonna get no satisfaction. So don't even try. No don't try. No don't try. No don't try-y-y-y. You won't get no. . . .

By the way, red eye is neither a sign of alcoholism nor demonic possession. It is a reflection of light against blood vessels in the eye.

Exposure Adjustment

In simplest terms, being able to control over and under exposure of your photograph allows you to have better control over how your final image looks. Fancier (read: more expensive) cameras use f-stop (lens opening / diameter) and shutter speed (amount of time that light is allowed to hit CCD) to regulate this. Less costly cameras just use an over (+) and under (-) exposure scale. Either way, this is how a photographer can provide greater self-expression to their images. Lighter, more ethereal and pleasant. Darker, more sinister and foreboding.

Optics

In the old days of fixed focal length lenses, walking toward or away from your subject was the "approved" method of fine-tuning composition. In today's couch potato society, with a push / pull on a lens or the toggle of a switch, the same job can be accomplished with a zoom lens. Although the optics look like they are built in a contact lens factory, they are still a critical component of a camera. Good glass captures good images. Optical coatings improve the image's color quality. It is important to note that as the telephoto gets longer, and the angle of view (what the camera sees) gets narrower, there is a transition from pure optical image gathering to optical and mathematical imaging gathering. In other words, the glass in the lens works just so far, then the math in the camera's chip crops and enhances the image.

A final consideration to keep in mind about optics is angle of view. Some cameras start with a wider view - can see more - and do not zoom as far. Other cameras cannot "see" as wide a view but can zoom to a tighter view.

Batteries

The whole world runs on batteries - cameras included. There are two choices when it comes to digital camera batteries: recharge or replace. With rechargeable batteries, the pocket cameras are generally smaller, but you need to remember to plug-in at the end of the day. If you don't, tomorrow you'll get to the perfect Ansel Adams moment, and have no juice for the photo. Replaceable batteries (read: AA or AAA - and especially long-lasting are the lithium type) seem to make pocket cameras a wee bit larger to allow for the battery compartment. However, in return, you can be in the most backwater location on the planet, and there is a very high probability that you will be able to buy 2 AA or AAA batteries. The other difference between rechargeable and replaceable batteries is cost. Cameras using replaceable batteries tend to be less expensive than cameras using rechargeables.

Once you get past flash, exposure adjustment, optics and batteries, the other features on these pocket cameras are just a question of which bells and whistles you also want to have.

Software

Photography used to be about light and film. Sunrise, sunset, indoor, outdoor, color or black and white. Today, it's about light and math. When you press the shutter, the camera spends its time "translating" blue skies and brown eyes - using complex algorithms - into the 0's and 1's of binary code that computers read. Those computer files are in formats like jpg (compressed and viewable in many applications like Internet Explorer and PowerPoint), or raw (a larger file size with greater image adjustment in fewer applications). Once the file is created, it can be stored on your computer or using a variety of internet services like Kodak or Snapfish, stored on the internet for viewing
by family, friends, co-workers and the rest of the planet Earth. Those images files can then be printed on your home inkjet printer or at fairly reasonable cost from an online service.

But let's say you're not the world's best shooter, and that once-in-a-lifetime picture of Uncle Charlie has a tree growing out of his head, now what? Fun! Also known as PhotoShop, its light-weight sibling, PhotoShop Elements or the freebies from the internet, Paint.net and GIMP (Graphic Image Manipulation Program). These are the software programs that alter reality without narcotic effect or hangovers.

Naturally it takes time to "get good at them", but once you do, you could put John McCain's head on Sarah Palin's body kissing Barak Obama. Yes, the potential is unlimited for both good and evil.

So what are you waiting for? Your shoebox to fill up? Set a price range, get a storage card for the camera, and start snapping. Just remember:

The more you can store, the more you can lose. . . but that's a discussion for another
day.

Upgrade The Download Staircase

You cannot make this stuff up.

The practice management software my customer, Flemco - The Ear, Nose & Throat Specialists, uses to manage their business wasn't running up-to-par, so they asked me to stop down and find out what's up.

I discovered that a software update needed to be downloaded.

However it was a very large download, and until you spend upwards of thousands of dollars a month on bandwith so your modem - that little box that connects your computer to the outside world by sucking a monthly fee out of your wallet - is attached to the equivalent of a sewer pipe rather than a straw, the update would take several hours to download. So the download was started up after the office was closed down.

Then once the update was downloaded and the office was shut down for the afternoon, I updated the server - which is the big kahuna machine that all the other computers in the office talk to.

However, after updating the software with the download, it said it needed to be updated!

So I updated the updated software.

Apparently the update for the update was downloaded with the update I had downloaded.

The reason the updated software needed to be updated, was because the company that lets you download the update - which is a very up-to-date method for keeping your software updated - does not email its customers updates to let them know that there is an update that needs to be downloaded. This does not help customers keep up with what's going down.

So once I updated the updated software on the server with the update I'd downloaded, I was ready to update the software on the workstations with the same update I had downloaded. However, just like the server, once the workstation software was updated, it too needed to be updated because the company that provides the download of the update hadn't kept their customers up-to-date on the updates that needed to be downloaded. So I updated the update that I had downloaded 14 more times.

Are you following this?

Now the update and the update of the update that I had downloaded worked on all but 3 machines - where the downloaded update to update the update that I had downloaded was mismatched to the update that had updated the update to the server and 11 other computers - which were from the same (original) download.

This required me to uninstall the updated software, restart the PC and then re-install the update that had been downloaded in order to update the update that was downloaded from the software company that didn't email updates to their customers to keep them up-to-date about downloading their updates.

Now because the updated software was mismatched to the update and needed to be uninstalled and re-installed so the downloaded update could be updated, nothing was "remembered" by the uninstalled and re-installed update that needed to be updated - which I had gotten from the same (original) download that had updated the server and the other machines. So once the updated updated software was up and running on the 3 machines whose update of the update was mismatched to the update I'd downloaded, it needed to rescan all 17,000 plus entries in the database to update itself.

Very confusing.

So. . .

On my way up the road to get to my home down the hill, I pulled up to my favorite spirits shop, Bottoms Up, Down The Hatch, to update my single malts so that when I got home, I could
start a download.

Surfing for Mr. Goodbar

by Budly

Life rarely goes exactly as planned. Start a day with the intention of finally finishing that overdue project . . . FINALLY, and then, ba-da-bing, the computer starts to hemorrhage and melt down.

This is followed by, “But I didn’t do anything except log on to the internet!”, which is followed by a lost day . . . or two . . . or five.

More than 218 million Americans go on the internet now, and who knows how many of them are tech-savvy. In fact, some probably consider themselves lucky to be able to type and chew gum at the same time. So for those who know little more than logging on and hoping for the best, here is an internet safety primer. . .

. . . because getting on the internet without safeguards is like picking up a stranger at a bar without protection. . . Could be fun, but you really don't know what you could catch.

You need three major items for internet security:

• Firewalls

• Anti-virus software

• Spyware protection

Each serves a specific purpose, and combined, provide defense against all kinds of mean, nasty, rotten, ugly, horrible things that could result in heads banging on desks, floors or walls, as well as identity theft, data vaporization and having to junk your old PC and buy a new machine.

FIREWALLS

Firewalls are like the Klingon cloaking device, or to be more up-to-date, Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. You can see the world, but the world can't see you.

There are two types of firewalls: hardware and software. The hardware firewall keeps the Lord of the Rings Orcs on the far side of a moat. The software firewall is like having the Orcs on the other side of a door. In other words, if you use a software firewall, the problem is already inside the computer.

Given a choice – and knowing how big and mean and ornery and ugly those Orcs are – they are much better kept on the far side of a really big moat. So splurge and get a hardware firewall. Linksys makes both wired and wireless boxes that are easy to set-up, work well and are available from online retailers like TigerDirect.com, or brick and mortar shops like Best Buy – neither of whom paid for these endorsements.

For the firewall, it is important to change the factory-set (a/k/a default) password. If you don’t, it is like having your front door lock using the same key as your neighbor's front door lock – free eats, help yourself.

Remember:

Default of de computer is not always with de computer. Sometimes default of de computer lies with de user. In short, change the firewall's password.

ANTI-VIRUS

The next essential component for safe internetting is virus protection software. This is the program that keeps the cooties out of your operating system and prevents hours and hours of resurrection, restoration, retrieval, reconstruction, rehabilitation and revival of your computer and your sanity. In short, getting a virus is no fun for you or your computer.

There are many choices for anti-virus software. Some arrive on your new PC and run for free for a short period of time. Then they prey on the unknowing computer user's fears:

YOUR VIRUS PROTECTION SOFTWARE IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

IF YOU DO NOT RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION WITHIN 24 HOURS, TERRIBLE THINGS SUCH AS DYSENTARY, LEPROSY AND BROMADROSIS WILL BEFALL YOUR COMPUTER.

AND WE WILL ALSO SEND A VERY LARGE, SINGLE-EYEBROWED NEANDERTHAL TO YOUR HOME TO BEAT YOU UP.

Yes, the software business can get pretty nasty.

My choice for anti-virus protection is AVG. Grisoft (www.grisoft.com) – now AVG Technologies – offers both pay and free versions of its product; which is now up to Version 8. Unfortunately, with the upgrade came a new and unimproved look, also known to computer geeks as the Graphical User Interface, or GUI (pronounced gooey).

The GUI is what the computer user sees on screen. If it is designed with cleanliness and elegance, it is a joy to use. If the screen is illogical and confusing, it compels the savvy user to call the company, ask for the software development team leader and say, "What in tarnation were you thinking? The previous version looked and worked just fine. So why'd you go and muck it up?"

Changing the GUI on familiar, popular, award-winning software is as dumb as a company that changes the packaging of its well-branded product on the supermarket shelf. Some silly "suit" snookered a stoopid amount of money for both graphic re-design and focus groups to change an old, venerable, and familiar blue box into an unfamiliar green can which nobody can find.

With software, familiarity breeds productivity. Finesse is “updating the look” while retaining familiarity. Otherwise countless hours are spent muttering, “I used to do my data export by going to this menu . . . now where’d they put it?”

Unfortunately, Grisoft – now AVG Technologies – does not post a contact phone number for the general public. Only resellers – those middlemen between the manufacturers and buyers – are provided this deep, dark secret. Great software . . . wacky communications . . . but it’s free and still worth using.

SPYWARE

Spyware protection is another essential tool for the internetter's kit bag, and in some respects is even more important than anti-virus software. While a virus can ruin your computer, spyware can ruin your life.

When you go to a web site like Amazon and log on, your screen may show something like:

"Welcome back Persephone. The last time you were here,
you bought a book on sock puppets. Surprisingly, other
people actually bought books about sock puppets, too.
In fact, those who bought sock puppet books also bought
books on mud wrestling – although we have absolutely no
clue as to why. Would you like to see our vast selection of
books on mud wrestling?"

That "recognition" is called a cookie. It's a file that sits on your computer keeping track, and interacting with, web sites you visit.

If Persephone eventually clicks,

"Oh yes, this is the mud wrestling book for me!"

to make the purchase and starts to type her charge card number into the computer, while some degenerate youth in front of a black screen somewhere in Asia is writing that number down on a slip of paper and planning a shopping spree, that's spyware! It "spies" on what you type and where you visit.

Spyware allows buff_bodies.com to know that you arrived at their web site from tea_and_crumpets.org. This information is the basis for click-through payments (how web sites make money via “referrals”) and for demographics which decide future advertising buys, or worse -- someone accumulating more shoes than Imelda Marcos with your credit card information.

To avoid this nasty, Spybot Search & Destroy 1.6 performs three tasks. First, it finds spyware on your computer and removes it. Second, it can "immunize" your computer from downloading spyware from a long list of potentially "bad" web sites. And third, it can install a second program called "Teatimer" (Who comes up with these names!) to prevent spyware from ever getting to your registry.

What’s the registry, you ask? Well . . .

The registry is THE database on your computer. It keeps track of EVERYTHING in a "secret code" style that is understood exclusively by people with really, really large propellers on their beanies, mandatory plastic pocket protectors, obligatory tape on their spectacles and loud snorts in their laughter.

For the rest of us, the registry is a place spoken of only in the most hushed of tones and is tinkered with using only the GREATEST of care because one false move in that house of cards and your computer can turn into a really, really large paperweight.

Spybot's Teatimer program works via a pop-up window:

If you are on the internet and a web site tries to put something into your registry, the Teatimer window pops up with two buttons:

Allow – if you want whatever is happening to continue.

Deny – if you're totally clueless as to what's going on.

How do you know if you should allow or deny? Here are two examples:

If you're installing an update to Adobe's Acrobat Reader and the Teatimer window pops up and you want to continue using the Acrobat Reader, press Allow.

If you're taking a break at work with a "diversionary" visit to www.well_filled_bikinis.com or hunks_in_swimtrunks.com and the Teatimer window pops up, there is an especially high probability that you should consider pressing the Deny button.

Pretty logical. Pretty simple. . .

. . . but only if you use the spyware and anti-virus programs regularly and check for updates. Neither one is "set and forget.” Hey, what do you want for free?

AVG, the anti-virus program, has several settings you'll need to tinker with. They are all in the Tools >> Advanced Settings menu. The settings are for what and when you download your updates to the virus definitions (the software “good guys” that look for the software “bad guys”) and when you run scans on your computer’s hard drive to actually look for and remove the “bad guys”.

Now think this one out . . . download your virus definition updates BEFORE you schedule your virus scan. AND run your virus scan while you're asleep. That way, you won't be sitting in front of your computer trying to get work done and saying, "Why is this stoopid thing running soooo sloooow?" By the way, this means your computer needs to be on while you are sleeping.

The same advice holds true for the spyware – get the updates first (duuhhh!!!!), then run the program. Spybot can run nicely in the background while you work, and at the end, it's rewarding to see how many cooties have been caught, or how clean your computer use has been.

With regular use, each of these components provides an important piece in keeping your computer healthy.

The other way to avoid problems is to stay off the internet – but hey, what fun would that be?